There was a point in my life, not long ago, where I looked at my life, and all I saw were snarls of knots. Everything, all the walls, had come crumbling down all around me. I lost everything: my husband, finances, drive. I withdrew. I had hit rock bottom, and with that, I experienced every emotion imaginable—anger, guilt, shame, anguish, sadness, and humiliation.
How did I get there?
I found myself bound by those knots. My life as I had known it had gone up in smoke. I felt a fire had ravaged through my life, my very existence. Nothing recognizable was left. I looked at the charred ribbon of my life and asked, Now what?
As I sorted through the ashes of my former life, I broke down and cried. Slowly, peace began to settle within me. I received a “call to action.” That challenge, the disruption of my ordinary life, presented me with the gift of embarking on a quest.
I fought it. I did not embrace it wholeheartedly. My fears surfaced for the comfort of my previous life was so alluring, but that life no longer existed. That was my only saving grace. After much introspection, I tentatively took the first step amidst persistent doubts.
“The best way out is always through.” ~Robert Frost
Fortunately, I did not go through this alone for I had my mother and sister who offered their love and financial aid. A dear friend would also appear at my doorstep with groceries. To say that I underwent a dark period is an understatement.
I persisted. Knowing, as I do, that I create my experiences or that my soul gifts them to me for my evolution, did not facilitate matters.
Finally, I felt I was nearing the home stretch for I had surpassed those perceived obstacles. That is when I was thrust into the ultimate test, the dark night of the soul. Everything I held dear came under scrutiny. I felt my old self writhing; it had to “die” before it could be reborn.
As if that was not enough, physical discomfort accompanied the emotional anguish. I had to process so much blocked energy, resulting from years and generations of conditioning.
That critical phase is one that I had to undergo alone. There is no other way. I survived it by placing my trust in God, in my Divine Self, God within me. In the end, it gave me the impetus to continue onward—to live my purpose—toward the end of the quest.
You can imagine the joy I felt after emerging from the dark night of the soul, but it was short-lived for I had to embark on the last leg of the journey—the way back home.
“The greater the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it.” ~Moliere.
My transformation now was becoming noticeable. I owned who I was. I was living in my essence for I had embraced my Divine Self. I had listened to the whispers of my heart and heeded its call.
That phase can bring sadness or upheaval. The people you know may no longer resonate with whom you have become. You may not like your previous lifestyle. Choices have to be made. Here is where one encounters the final test. Do you choose to live your soul’s calling—self-realization—or return to what you left behind unchanged?
From experience, I can tell you that there is no going back. Once you have undergone such a transformational journey, it is spiritually impossible to return to a less-evolved self. Unless, of course, there has been no growth throughout the journey. Then you are right back where you started—broken and wondering, why me?
Upon returning home, you are not the only one affected by your journey. Your loved ones and the environment also change. You return having grown spiritually, knowing who you are—sans the labels of mother, father, daughter, spouse, or whatever—for you have embraced your essence. You have come to know yourself by showering yourself with self-love. Thus, life as you knew it would never be the same.
“The dark night of the soul comes just before revelation. When everything is lost and all seems darkness, then comes the new life and all that is needed.” ~Joseph Campbell
That journey—the Fool’s or Hero’s Journey—is a never-ending process for we are continuously evolving. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. As we long to communion with our soul, treasures always hide in the heartache, experiencing many cyclical dark nights of the soul during our lifetime.
Once you have gone full circle, the journey restarts but at a higher level for you are not who you were. You are wiser, stronger. Each time, you climb higher on the road to enlightenment. You begin to operate solely from your inner wisdom and strength. You embody your soul – as you ascend, your soul descends, so you become whole.
Looking back, would I have deliberately chosen those experiences for myself? I willingly chose them but deliberately is a different matter. I did not recall at the time that I had for it was a soul contract. I would be hard pressed to say yes.
However, if I knew that as a result of enduring all I had, I would receive a gift beyond my wildest dreams, I would enlist once again. The ultimate test is an opportunity to create heaven on earth. I experienced firsthand God’s pure love. And, that is something I would never trade, no matter what, for it is priceless.
In my journey into light, I faced and embraced my darkness. As I weaved my soul into the fabric of my life, I found the magic. I began to view the outside from within me, clasping my personal truths and values, with my heart fully open.
If you too find yourself at that juncture, then I send love and my heartfelt compassion for I know that each spiritual journey is unique.
May you continue to receive countless blessings.
Here is to the unraveling of the knots in your life and your surrendering to the quest!